A letter from my heart

It would have been nice…

It would have been nice to have been prioritized in a position other than last.

It would have been nice to talk one on one, in person, without the distractions of crowds or time.

It would have been nice to have you make an effort to want to see me without me making the effort first.

It would have been nice to have been thanked for the effort I made in showing and explaining my passions to you.

It would have been nice to be seen as more than an emotional support.

It would have been nice to have been with someone who wanted something deeper, richer, more intense and powerful

It would have been nice not have been made to feel like shit, even if it was only once.

I let you in. I told you things that I never told anyone before.

I sang for you—because I love singing, and you wanted me to sing for you.

I discussed my hopes, my fears, and weaknesses.

I had tears in my eyes talking to you.

I let you in…and when it became inconvenient for you…you wanted to stay half in and half out, and keep the easy parts of my friendship, and get rid of the hard parts. But then again, maybe it was always inconvenient for you. You never said it…but actions speak louder than words.

So for now…I've kicked you out.

I need time to deal with the hurt, the pain, and prioritize MYSELF. No one is going to do that for me.

And even though I know you have your own heartache, grief, pain, and demons to deal with, even though I KNOW it would be difficult…  

It would have been nice to be let in instead of staring from outside the window, coaxing you to come out.

It would have been nice to be let in.

Because it would have been fabulous.

It would have been nice to be let in.

"Beware of him that is slow to anger; for when it is long coming, it is the stronger when it comes, and the longer kept. Abused patience turns to fury." Francis Quarles

Try as much as possible to be wholly alive, with all your might, and when you laugh, laugh like hell and when you get angry, get good and angry. Try to be alive. You will be dead soon enough.” William Saroyan quotes (American Writer known for his stories celebrating the joy of living in spite of poverty. 1908-1981


Words to live by! I don't generally have problems laughing, and laughing like hell. Life's too short to go through it without laughing at the absurdity of it all...

But the second part...hmmmmm..the second part. I don't think I get angry enough. Well, correction--I get angry, but I don't let people know I get angry. And perhaps I should? But sometimes there's so much to be angry about. B.S. at work, the fact that life isn't fair, my lack of relationship for the most stupid of reasons, faith, religion...the list can go on and on for a very long time, with many items. That would pretty much leave you with a life filled with fury and rage about everything.

So I guess the 64,000 dollar question is when do you get good and mad, and when do you hold it in, and when do you find some way to release it, and how do you do it so that people aren't hurt as badly as they could be?

Let's face it. If you have just cause to be mad at someone, and you get angry...they may be hurt at what you have to say. They could get mad in response, or their feelings could be bruised, or worse. The worst case scenario is when they have no idea that their actions or behaviours has aroused these feelings of rage inside you, and the only time they know is when you go off on them. Or not even go off on them, but speak to them in a firm, but incredibly direct way.

I guess that's my dilemma. While I don't usually explode in an apoplectic rage of invective and cuss words, when I get mad, I can get cruel. Bitterly, nastily, hurtfully cruel. Less volcanic and more acerbic. Think Don Rickles, without the warmth and kindness. :)


Still, keeping the stuff I'm mad about inside me isn't doing me any good. So it has to come out.

"Beware of him that is slow to anger; for when it is long coming, it is the stronger when it comes, and the longer kept. Abused patience turns to fury." Francis Quarles


It's not there yet...but it's coming. And I hate the fact that I have so many things to be angry about....

You're Just in Love...Or NOT?

This I did to the tune of "You're Just In Love", by Irving Berlin, from the musical "Call Me Madam". It was TOUGH as it's a counterpoint song. Basically, according to wikipedia, a counterpoint song...."two equal and contrasting melodies running at the same time, both with independent lyrics".

The first set of lyrics I wrote when I was filled with hope and optimism. The second set of lyrics I wrote several months later. Link is below. As usual, it may take a bit of tweaking for the words to match the music...but it's pretty accurate. I hate feelings, I REALLY DO. LOL.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DGU2n95jXdk

Singer 1

I wish he'd see that I love him so.

I'm inclined to date, but he'd say no.

Why he thinks that I am not his type,

I don't know why.

I don't know why.

I keep having certain dreams of him

But I'm sure that my prospects are grim.

While he is with someone else I hate,

I'm destined to my fate,

I don't know why

Singer 2

You're a fool and a moron 

You're not cute at dusk or dawn.

You're  not blind, you have mirrors too

While you have lots of interests

They are weird, and not on Pinterest

In short,  unique through and through

You're a friend, not a lover

You will not blow your cover.

He can use all the help he needs.

At the end of everything, life is shite, and you'll just sing

These sad words that you've composed.

.

Singer 1

I'm done thinking that he's the one

It would have been nice and lots of fun

We get on well and have great rapport

I'm not his type

I'm not his type.

We chat daily and enjoy weird things.

He would even listen when I sing.

But my chances of a date are grim,

While I may think of him,

I'm not his type.

Singer 2

I make barely a ripple

I'm one step above a cripple,

I don't have a chiselled jaw or chest.

I'm not buff, nor toned or jacked

I am simply stating facts

I'm on the "not so handsome range."

While I have lots to offer,

Stunning looks, I can't proffer.

I AM just an ordinary guy.

I'm a fool to think that he

Can bear to see the sight of me

Romance-wise I'm not his type.

Don't Don't Don't

In my spare time, I like writing poetry, and I've often written poetry to songs...or what some would call lyrics. I do this when I'm stressed or have something that I need to get off of my chest.

This little ditty I wrote from the Gershwin classic "Do Do Do", sung by Mel Torme. It's called "Don't Don't Don't" and it basically exhorts someone NOT to do something. The musical guide is provided in the link. 

Don't Don't Don't

Oh why, why, why,

Can`t you see that he

is bad, for you

I don`t know why

He has such a hold

on you, Kenny?

I can't believe,

Won't believe

After all the sadness

Think of him

and pleasantly?

You're a fool

total madness

I don't, don't. don't

understand what's in you're

head, dear Kenny

I won't, won't, won't

let you make mistakes

again, Kenny

But if I'm being blunt

You're acting like a stupid...guy.

So, do, do do

and get hurt hurt hurt

Again.




https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bXr2v-gNg20